“As it is my eager expectation and hope that I will not be at all ashamed, but that with full courage now as always Christ will be honored in my body, whether by life or by death.” (Philippians 1:20)
As always, Paul says.
There is more, I’m sure, wrapped in these two words than we will ever know. It includes what we don’t know about Paul. It’s what he didn’t write. It includes all the life before he wrote these epistles. Its all the words and activities of his humanity. It goes beyond inspiration. It includes his reputation. His character. His integrity. His identity.
As it has been up until this point. As it has been my habit. As it will continue….
I feel that heaviness on my chest. Sigh.
That fear that I’m not ready to really let go of control is very real now, as always. The thought that I’m half-stepping or marking time is weighing on me. Oh God, to let go. To let life fall in line or fall apart…to let it go and let my peace honor you.
I know nothing of as always.
I have doctorate in ambivalence. I’m a master of sometimes. I’m a fellow of facade.
What a solid peace! What a guarantee! What freedom! To place my flesh in the hands of God, whether in expiration or in animation. To allow God to determine my existence. To be free! Free to accept his will. To be thankful for it. To sing about it. To brag about it. To honor it. To live it. To die for it!
As always Christ will be honored in my body, whether by life or by death.
God prevent the regret which is already present,
waiting patiently at my death bed, from seizing and spiting me.
God let me in the weakness of my death muster the awareness to breathe…amen….as always…..Christ was honored.